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Surprise!
An Accounting of an Inconsiderate Driver

If you don't want to be explicitly privy to my sex life, I'd suggest giving this entry a miss. If you have some perverse desire, however, to read more than you will ever want to know about my sex life...

It will be difficult, but I am going to try to tell this story with a minimal amount of detail. At any rate, the girl and I got home from the ballet very late. We drove home in my car, rather than driving both cars all the way to my place, so needless to say we were both rather hot and bothered, as well as in various stages of undress (a story for a different time) by the time we made it to bed. After the requisite period of foreplay, the actual intercourse portion of the even began. Several hours later (haha, sorry, I had to), as I was about to "finish", I fell out.

Oh how I hate that... It is so annoying. Not only does it interrupt an otherwise pleasurable experience, but it gets awfully messy, with sticky, viscous liquids being fired all over the place willy-nilly... (wow, that was grosser than necessary I suppose)

Not to be so easily dissuaded, I quickly slammed myself back in and resume flailing away like an epileptic chimp. (It is at this point that I'd like to defend my sexual style by saying that I do NOT fuck like an epileptic chimp as a rule. I CUM like an epileptic chimp high on a cocktail of crystal meth, PCP, and nicotine gum... but that's a whole different story...)

As I finished cumming, I couldn't help but notice that my partner's very vocal orgasm had given way to silence and a strange look. I would almost say a puzzled look. Typically, the vocal ministrations associated with my partner's sexual climax does not end in so abrupt a manner and... honestly, I'm more accustomed to seeing a look of pleasure or satisfaction on post-orgasmic women in my presence. A befuddled look of uneasiness is not an expression to which I am accustomed in women with whom I'm engaged in coital bliss. Of course, being the caring guy that I am, I continued to hump away for a few seconds more before I asked if she was okay.

"Well... it hurts," was her reply.

In the moments that followed, many thoughts fired their way through my head. My brain was recovering from its ejaculatory retardation so the processor was almost back up to speed. I glanced down to see what it could be that was causing her so to feel pain and me to feel such tightness.

As most of you have probably pieced together, I was in her ass.

Inadvertent, surprise buttsecks! Somewhere, somehow, that has to make some form of a pejorative declaration about the size of my member... but I'd prefer not to think of such things. As least I didn't give her a pink sock...

Of course, the afterglow period was mildly uncomfortable (emotionally for me, and I'm sure physically for her) because I really don't know what to say in response to a surprise rectal breach. "Oops" seems a bit trite, and "Sorry" doesn't seem to cover it. "Thanks for not crying" seems callous and "glad we didn't have chili for dinner" seems unnecessarily grotesque. I went with singing "Backdoor Lover" from the Josie and the Pussycats movie to her. I'm such a charmer.