Updated: 2006-05-21 22:14:00
I, somehow, forgot to post this yesterday, but I found it funny and I assume at least one or two of you will too. I was in the local Walmart, which I typically won't go to because they are tools of Satan, but I've never been one to let my personal ethical code get in the way of a good bargain, so there you go... At any rate, I'm stuck following this annoying hick woman and her demon spawn child through the aisles when I suddenly noticed something peculiar. What was it? Suddenly, I spied with my little eye that, within about a 10 foot travel path before us, you could see condoms, Vaseline, and plungers.. in that order. Why, you might ask, would Walmart do such a thing? All I can assume is that there are a lot of people who like to be fucked by plungers that prefer safe sex... At any rate, I decided to have a little fun, I walked past her cart briefly and dropped two 6-packs of condoms in the basket. I then followed her and, when she was preoccupied with grabbing something from the shelf, I lobbed a LARGE tub of Vaseline into her cart, right over her kid's head. The noise, which I did not take into account, caused her to whip around and check on her child... but satisfied that her progeny hadn't managed to do a Brittney Spears head plant, she went back to her shopping. When we neared the plungers is when disaster struck... not satisfied with only two out of three, I tried to launch a plunger into her cart while she was still there, but looking another direction. When she turned her head, she caught me. This precipitated a short diatribe that was cut short when, as she pulled the plunger from her cart asking me if I "thought this was funny", she noticed the other additions. This was when the fun started... this nice lady proceeded to scream at me, making a big scene about what I'm doing following her around the store, as she pulled condoms, vaseline, a plunger, and juice boxes(?) from her cart and hurled them to the floor. I don't know what the Juicy Juice did to offend her, but fuck that smug little juice, and fuck it's high percentage of actual fruit juice too! The funny part of this, to me, is that her ranting and raving was drawing a small crowd... but they were all snickering at her apparent "purchases", not at me... because she wasn't explaining particularly well with her blustering what I had done wrong, only that she's mad at me, and no longer wants her sexual aids. In a way, it is funnier to me that it went down this way, rather than at the checkout line, as I'd envisioned. I made my way from the store greatly cheered, and thankful to be me. :) But I am kinda a dick.