Well, I just got off my roommate's elliptical machine… umm… wow. First, that thing makes a motion that is not normal for the human body to replicate… least of all steadily for 30 minutes. Yeah, 30 minutes my rear end. Well, let me take this moment to apologize, this is probably going to be a LONG rant, but I have to tell this a certain way to ensure you fully comprehend all that is my life.

Okay, I'm a smoker… I'm in what I like to call my 'winter' shape which is, to put it simply, round. Spherical. Symetrically bulbous. You get the picture.

I'm carting around about 15 pounds of extra weight, my jeans are now tight 38s and 40s fit, instead of tight 36s and 40s are baggy. I have boobies; man-tits… I need a manssiere. Long story short, I want to lose a tad of weight and, more importantly, get my lungs in shape for the spring/summer/fall sports and injuries season (more on that to come, I'm sure). That brings me to an elliptical machine.

I approach this thing with some level of trepidation. I mean, I have LITERALLY never done this type of thing before. I've used a treadmill to run on exactly twice… once for physical therapy, once while visiting my friend at a gym… both time ended in severely skinned knees, hands, and face; yes, face… shaddup! I've used an exercise bicycle a few times… that is as high-tech as I get. I'm a free-weights and occasionally machine weights type of guy. I like to lift, not go aerobicizing, spinning, tae-bo-ing, or any other frou frou crap. That having been said…

This thing is weird. Wiggly arm things, bowed foot things, the 'stirrups' (sorry ladies) move… there's a bloody computer on there to laugh at me. Daunting. I subdue it by unplugging it from the wall… no computer for you… I step gently onto the stirrups, grab the hand thingies, and start the machine in motion.

I nearly break my right arm, leg, and/or neck (the only neck, not the 'right' one) and I fall almost to the ground, nearly taking the machine over with me. This thing is tricky… oh, and the computer… yeah, it has batteries.

It didn't take more than 10 or 20 minutes to figure out how to tell the computer that I'm an overweight, out of shape, 28 year old male that just wants to do some exercise. Maybe another 5 minutes and I'm actually moving along in a decent (albiet awkward) gait. This isn't so bad, I thought.

Here's where that 30 minute idea comes in. My plan was to go thirty minutes this first time, and raise it 5 minutes per week until I'm doing 45 minutes. Then just keep doing 45 minutes 5 times a week (I'll give myself two days off, any two, every week).

Around the 5 minute mark, it occurs to me that most people probably wouldn't be out of breath right now. Around the 6 minute mark, I've already cut off two minutes from the end, I'm only going 28 minutes now. By about 8 minutes, I'm thinking 25 might be the way to go. Needless to say, 3 minutes later (11 minute mark), I'm only doing 20. By 15, I'm thinking that I'll stop any second now, but then, out of nowhere, I get my second wind, maybe I'll go all 30!

30 seconds later, I stop, and 15:41 is my first workout time. In reality, probably about 40:00 if you count setup and such… which of course I will.

So, a 40 minute cardio workout on day one. And now, its time to go smoke a cigarette and order a pizza. (I'm kidding about the second part… I have frozen pizzas here ).

Anyways, good day all around… hope ya'll have the sun that we do… hope it stays so I can start running outside…where I have incentive… not to look like a puss. L8rs.