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Dreams
You know what is more boring that hearing about someone else's dream? Nothing. Seriously, there is absolutely NOTHING more boring than hearing about someone else's dream. Listen, unless your dream has me in it, and we're having sex... (and, in all honesty, this works for both women AND men, because, even if I don't want to go to the party, it's nice to know I was invited)... it's boring. I don't care about what the cute penguins in fuzzy hats were doing. I don't care if your co-worker was boffing a goat. I just don't care. At the best of times, I'll feign interest and do the nodding and smiling thing. That is hard for me to do for long, so, if your dream is going to take long, let me know, so I can jump right to the bored act. You know... much yawning, checking my watch, checking my cell phone for missed calls, looking around, gnawing off my own friggin arm to escape... Did I mention I don't want to hear it? I especially like the people who ASK if I want to hear about their dream... and when I say 'No, not really', they launch into it anyways under the guise of 'oh, well let me just tell you this part'. Well, let me crack your skull with a framing hammer you self important bastard. Ooooh, ooooh... there IS something more boring that listening to someone else's dream... hearing them friggin analyze it. Yes, that's right, some of you tards will not only tell me about the dream, but then follow it up with some dime-store psychological bullshit that they picked up from Dr. Phil, Oprah, or some lame-assed self help book. No, I don't care if the goat in your dream symbolizes your deep-rooted desire to fellate Richard Nixon, or that you dreaming about your dad in drag is actually your subconscious calling out for you to dress up in a bikini and bathe in a jacuzzi full of tapioca pudding while rubbing down a dwarf. I don't friggin care you psycho. The worst part is, these jerks KNOW they're boring. How do I know? Because I've started making up dreams to share with them in return for them sharing theirs with me... and they GET BORED AND CHANGE THE SUBJECT OR LEAVE. How's that for friggin irony? (Yes, I mis-used irony... bite me, colloquial usage dictionary boy.) That's right, they can't be bothered with other people's dreams, EVEN WHEN I MAKE THEM ENTERTAINING. Self important dweebs realize it is dull, and just don't care. You know what I've started doing... I've started responding to the start of their dream with the following: 'I'm sorry, I just realized that you're boring, and I have feet'... then walking away at a brisk pace. Admittedly, I have no friends now... but, could you really call anyone that would share a dream with you a friend anyway?